Nonsense Stories - Treatments

Selected webisode treatments by Anne Hecker, Joseph LeDosquet, Artie Romero and Woodrow Martin. This transcript of our first story meeting is by Anne Hecker, posted Thursday, 2012.02.02.

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Webisode 1.8

There was an Old Man ("Humphrey Bogart") in a tree,

Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they (Ingrid Bergman) said, "Does it buzz?" he replied, "Yes, it does!
It's a regular brute of a Bee." ("Frankly, Scarlett, it's a regular brute of a bee.")

        Voice: "Humphrey Bogart".
        The scene is "The Tree," a bar reminiscent of "Rick's Cafe American," where Bogart sits at the bar, bored.


There was a Young Lady whose chin

Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp, and purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

        Voice: "Edith Bunker".
        As we are told the lady sharpens her chin we see he use a pencil sharpener on it, shaving chunky curls of her chin off her face until it's sharp.
        She buys her harp from Harpo Marx, and plays an overlong concert. She does not play a song, just strums the harp repeatedly with her chin. The audience walks off one by one, but she keeps playing.


There was a Young Lady of Portugal,

Whose ideas were excessively nautical;
She climbed up a tree to examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.

        Voice: "Jimmy Stewart".
        She is excessively nautical, dressed as a sailor and her house is shaped like a boat.
        The girl gets Vertigo at the top of the tree, drops her spyglass and gets turned around with her back to the ocean while clinging to the tree for dear life. This makes her believe she will never leave Portugal.
        The excessively nautical girl imagines being aboard a ship with sexy men a la "Jimmy Stewart", but when she looks with her spyglass at the ships at sea all of the sailors are decrepit, ugly men with wrinkly faces and missing teeth.


There was an Old Man of Vienna,

Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree, he took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.

        Voice: "Alfred Hitchcock".
        The man is a portly old fellow in lederhosen. He is a laxative junky, with jet-powered projectile diarrhea. With "when that did not...", we see a tight shot of his face and a cup of tea, all prim and proper. As we zoom out we see him sip the tea in an alley while sitting in his own excrement.
        Use Hitchcock-esque angles (dutch angles), and have Hitchcock walk through a shot.

2.2 - Revised 2012.02.02

There was an Old Man in a boat,

Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!" (Nixon gives peace signs with both hands and arms raised)
When they said, "No, you ain't!" he was ready to faint, (as they say that, the boat begins to sink)
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

        Voice: Richard Nixon.
        After the verse is read, the speech bubbles disappear and the guy on the shore rolls his eyes, like he's not interested, and turns around and walks off frame.
        The old man in the boat is happy he got this acting gig, but he starts waving his arms because his boat is sinking and looks more frightened. After a while, he stops and looks around.
        Long pause... about 8 to 10 seconds.
        He yells, "Nixon! Throw me a rope."
        Nixon replies, "Sorry, no rope."
        The guy thinks that this is just an acting gig, and someone will get him out of the boat.
        Then he says, "Can you call the coast guard? ... Help!"
        Guy starts flailing his arms and splashing in the water.
        Nixon states, "The script says, 'Boat sinks. Man drowns.'"
        Guy in the sinking boat yells, "Help!"
        The boat continues to sink, and the guy is splashing and trying to stay above the water.
        Eventually, he drowns. Glub glub!


There was an Old Man with a poker,

Who painted his face with red ochre.
When they said, "You 're a Guy!" he made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

        Voice: Bill Clinton.
        The man is Clinton, with a cigar in his mouth (the poker). His face is red. As an aside, he says "I'm so sorry" after "red ochre". Hillary stands behind him, her face becoming more and more angry and purple, but she says nothing. Opposite Bill are Newt Gingrich, Karl Rove, and other Republicans against Clinton. At "But knocked..." Bill burns Newt with his cigar and he topples over, creating a domino effect with the rest of them.


There was an Old Man of Coblenz,

The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance from Turkey to France,
("Raised his hands and yelled 'Go Adrians!')
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.

        Voice: Sylvester Stallone.
        The old man runs on a globe, arms raised; he is oversized compared to it.


There was an Old Man on some rocks,

Who shut his Wife up in a box:
When she said, "Let me out," he exclaimed, "Without doubt
You will pass all your life in that box."

        Voice: Ahnold Schwarzenegger.
        The wife never stops talking on the phone, so the husband shuts her up in a coffin and kicks it off a cliff. She continues talking the whole time.       


There was a Young Lady of Troy,

Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump, some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.

        Voice: "Johnny Carson".
        The flies are very large flies, cat or dog sized, and they are leather jacketed Fifties style greaser hoodlums. She uses mortars and other overkill weaponry to kill them. One she drowns in a pump, we see her hold it under the water of a spout, pumping water into its nozzle-mouth. She takes them to Troy as trophies, mounted.


There was an Old Person of Dutton,

Whose head was as small as a button;
So to make it look big he purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.

        Voice: "Rodney Dangerfield".
        The wig is an afro wig. He then moonwalks around Dutton, strutting.

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